Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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