you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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