she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
