He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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