Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
