Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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