Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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