What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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