I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
