i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
