what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Randomize
