also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
