Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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