Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
