I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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