worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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