I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
