im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
There's always time for handjobs
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
