I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
