well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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