she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
we should paint friendship bongs
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize