if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
