dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
