Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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