Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize