remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
