On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
