I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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