I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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