his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
a search helicopter?!
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
