so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
