Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
