Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
