I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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