we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize