How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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