1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
