Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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