You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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