i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
