They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
