i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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