This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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