The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
