my phone needs a breathalizer
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
