Ambien. No doubt about it.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
