he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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