you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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