you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
