he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
