So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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