Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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