You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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