Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize