guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
