hell yes lets make some ravioli
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
