My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
