I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
