Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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