Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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