I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
