Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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