it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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